The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You ruined the universe
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
