Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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