I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
