Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize