I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize