i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
you had me at cake vodka
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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