Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
