Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize