This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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