the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's never too late to be topless.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
