I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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