Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
