i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
