Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
