you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize