i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
