wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
