No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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