Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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