i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
