Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
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