you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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