I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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