First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
