So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
it's not cheating when I paid for it
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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