you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
