If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
foreskin is a definite game changer
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
