dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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