he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize