He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
two words: eviction party
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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