i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
