I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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