remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize