Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
