I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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