I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
