I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
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