I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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