Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my phone needs a breathalizer
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Boobs speak an international language.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
