Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
