You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
