I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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