I am spending my child support on dildos
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
