I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
