i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
