His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
