you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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