The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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