Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
