Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
