I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I have tasted many bathrooms
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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