I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
4 words: hood of his car
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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