I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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