a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
