i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
