I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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